iloverobots

2003-11-19T19:36:00.000-06:00

hey.

i know. i suck. but, i've been busy. and i have been wondering if i need to continue this thing. school will be out in a few weeks and in january i start my last semester of grad school. amazing considering that i was here even before i applied to school. anyway...

i've been working. i have a cold. i will be in new york friday through tuesday to visit the dear alpha patty and a few classmates will be in town as well. we are attempting an architectural extravaganza.

i may be in love again, which is scary and a bit soon, but he is pretty amazing and his name is also tim. he has a beard and we look a bit alike. dating myself is hot.

2003-10-22T16:31:00.000-05:00

how many of your horoscopes have said you're basically screwed and on your own...?

a la village voice:

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I've been staring at my astrological charts for hours trying to determine where your head is at. The best I can figure out is that you're off the map, between the worlds, beyond the boundaries. Sorry I'm not able to be more specific. I guess you're pretty much on your own for now. I can at least tell you about the powers that this kind of outsider position usually confers: (1) sharper-than-usual intuition about the future; (2) a knack for making unexpected connections you didn't realize you needed; and (3) an unpredictability that makes you attractive to people who can help draw out and clarify your unconscious desires.

2003-10-22T14:01:00.000-05:00

tonight is going to be a long one. i have to finish a paper i've been putting off for some time. i also have to put together a thesis slide show to present to the entire department next week.

my parents are driving me crazy.

2003-10-21T10:55:00.000-05:00

hi wanna play? super creep. i got my menegitis shot yesterday and in seven to ten days i will be ready for more kisses. the local clinic set up stations all over the north side for free vaccinations. i have mine and in a few days i'll be making out with strangers just like the good old days.
it's so sad that three people have died over the past week.

my project for sculpture is coming along so well. i am very happy with it. it's a photo book of all the places i have lived in chicago.

did anyone hear the sonic memorial projoct third coast awards today on npr? the excerpt from all things considered about the couple married at the world trade center broke my heart in lots of little bits. since the wtc was a symbol of the day they were married they made a deal that everytime they saw the world trade center thay had to kiss. no matter what was going on - they were fighting with each other, shopping, walking to work, whatever.

i thrive on the melancholy- why am i not a black eyeliner-wearin' goth?

2003-10-16T23:30:00.000-05:00

i have to say work was really fun today. in the morning i ran around and completed a few permit applications. the afternoon was spent walking around old town and taking photos of new projects. had lunch, went back to work and looked through a bunch of big projects that are coming through the office. content.

sick! remember how we have had a problem with squirrels getting in the walls of the building through the roof? nyla just came home a found a burned squirrel at the back door of the toughest lady that lives here. she's a collections officer. we think she tried to eat it.

i took a picture of me a nyla on the back porch after looking at it. nyla's expression of quiet contentment proves i live with pure evil.

2003-10-16T10:48:00.000-05:00

ok. i've been way too indulgent lately. i'm done. i swear. i'm not going to drink as much. i'm not going to go out as much. it's time to focus.

this weekend i am writing a paper of adolf loos interiors. those are my plans.

2003-10-12T18:52:00.000-05:00

i went out last night. i stood there with my beer looking around and expecting nothing. the blue lights flash on me the same as everyone else but i don't feel the same as they. i look like them but i don't feel like them.

i decide to dance which i something i don't do. i don't but last night i did.
i don't dance well but just let me do my thing.
i dance and way deep down i am miserable. i've pushed it far into a corner but i can feel its eyes staring back into me.

i stop dancing and i walk around. i'm miserable becasue none of this is real. none of it matters and i miss treavor so much and i am so mad at myself for it.

2003-10-11T19:54:00.000-05:00

the birds got into the house again. the little gang of chirping vermin. nyla caught them. she immediately put a pair of sunglasses on so they couldn’t go for her eyes. they were flying up against the windows trying to get out.

she screams as she opens the windows and screens. screaming the entire time but doing what needs to be done.

i love it

we still can’t figure out why they keep trying to get in the house.
the birds like to shit up our house.

nlya and i saw kill bill last night - recommended indeed!

i'm suffering from the highest highs and the lowest lows that no brain detergent will dissolve

2003-10-08T22:43:00.000-05:00

i keep forgetting to write this down. it happened this summer. remember when i was at death's door because of food poisoning? it was during then on a morning i had a protein bar and some apple juice for breakfast. at my internship we share the bathrooms with another city agency that seems to do little. it's one of those offices where there is always a birthday party going on in the big conference room.

so, i was in the bathroom and this older african-american guy who works in that office bursts farting and mumbling "oh ma god! oh ma god!" he goes into a stall and i start pushing the pee out so fast it's starting to burn and i am breathing out of my mouth in short shallow breaths. he drops his pants and starts with his explosive shits and he's screaming "oh ma god!" the whole time. i get so grossed out and start dry heaving so i zip up and start towards the door but since my stomach is so sensitve from being sick as soon as i step outside the bathroom i puke on the carpet. the best part is that no one saw so i ran back to my office and used a bathroom on a different floor for the rest of the day.

ah. feels better to get that off my chest.

2003-10-07T21:24:00.000-05:00

the painter called me again. yesterday, monday. it reminded me of the rotten date and it put me in a bad mood. i asked him never to call me again. he said he was sorry and we hung up.

the painter emailed me. today, tuesday. it irritated me that he won't just let it go. he apologized again. i don't say anything - i delete. i'm also irritated that he got my email from wherever 'cause i didn't give it to him.

nyla reminds me that boys are dumb and girls are stupid and we are the exception. i agree, you the reader being the exception as well, of course.

2003-10-05T14:36:00.000-05:00

oh yeah, yesterday i went to the open house and lecture for the new student center at IIT by rem koolhaus. i just put the pictures up.

when i see buildings like this i automatically look for the stuff that's going to break in the next 20 years. i'm not sure it will last one chicago winter. it was a bit gimmicky or just silly but there were some very interesting elements and i think it's perfect for a bunch of 18 year old undergraduates.

2003-10-05T14:01:00.000-05:00

i went out with the paralegal painter last night. to schuba's to see a band he liked. we met there at the bar and i was a bit more excited than i normally am for a date. we stand in the back me near a window and i am able to mix the sounds of the street with the performance and it sounds much better. there are balloons circling a vent on the ceiling. one chasing the other. the bartender comes out from behind the bar with a knife at the end of a long pole and ends the courting. i am standing in front of him because he is a bit taller than i and i like it and i feel his chest move along the back of my shirt everytime he breathes.

i am trying to enjoy the evening for what it is because he has just told me of his boyfriend at cranbrook and the open long-distance relationship they have until he returns from school. i am trying to tell myself that it is no big deal and that any date i go on right now should be as casual as possible. but i am also me and right now i like this guy and it makes me wonder why am i even here. why haven't i walked out of this bar?

he mention he wants me to spend the night and i try to answer over the music and there is no way i can give a yes or no answer to this question and at the same time my chest feels like it's crushing like an egg carton.

so the show ends and we leave and we walk east and i am quiet and when we get to the elevated train i tell him i had a nice time because i am being selective and thinking about his arm around my shoulder and the little stuff we talked about through the evening. i give him a quick kiss and i go home.

he called me this morning to apologize for not being honest when we first met and that he really would like to be friends...the script.

everything looks perfect from far away. i'm going to build a hot air balloon to get the fuck out of this joint. anyone care to join?

2003-10-04T02:44:00.000-05:00

everything looks perfect from far away.
perhaps it's a sign but as i see it when i walked into the bar as a reward albeit a feeble reward for doing little studying and i saw you as i checked my coat.
i said hi first. you said hi second. we stood there smiling and said nothing.
you're the painter and the paralegal.
i will probably save your messages to hear your voice.
but everything looks perfect from far away.

2003-09-29T22:44:00.000-05:00

I am sneezing at the coffee counter. not right now but of the time I am thinking I was sneezing at the coffee counter looking down at a checkbook and at the girl writing a check. why do girls write checks? looking down at the checkbook I can also see the shoes of the boy behind me with his bicycle, his grey sweater and beautiful eyes that slice you in two. I am sneezing because the weather is changing and the air is dry and looking up, as I dig into my sweater pocket for a tissue, I see the table where the another cute guy is surrounded by all the other cute boys but the one with the gold pinky ring and just beyond him the transsexual on the payphone, little-bo-creep, I haven’t seen her in so long and she is here in a black shift with rhinestones along the hem talking on the phone and pinning political buttons to her purse. It’s fall again and I’m in my last year of school and I am back at the coffee shop.

2003-09-26T16:24:00.000-05:00

i drank some old tea i found in a desk drawer. i guess i should have gone to starbucks. eating gummy bears, listening to npr, looking through historic photos. it's raining outside with a little bit of thunder. i think i'm having a good day.

2003-09-26T13:51:00.000-05:00

i just discovered a new hell having to sit next to a girl explaining all of her wedding plans to a friend. "i mean. sure the nature museum is air conditioned, but i'm not having some huge brontosaurus behind me in every photo."

we don't have one of those...sucker.

i bristle eveytime someone calls me bitch. just cause someone's gay they think we walk around screaming "sup bitch" at everyone we see. i hate being called bitch. i can feel my shoulders tense up.

2003-09-24T22:25:00.000-05:00

where have i been? really. where have i been?

i saw my ex this weekend. no, not treavor. the one that was created from the molten brimstone at the firey core of hell. yes. that one. the first thing he says to me is - remember we haven't spoken in almost four years - "so, are you still mad at me?" as always it is all about him. i told him i was over that part of my life. but then he asked again in his usual mocking way, "are you still mad at me?" i said no i wasn't mad. i was too drunk to remember the conversation after that but it was uneventful in the fact that i stood there unable to engage him in a conversation not because i was upset but i just didn't care and i know better now to stay away from him. he introduced me to a girl he was with as his first boyfriend. she said "oh, the one from champaign?" he laughed embarrassed and said no. he parted finally shaking my hand and acting like a child.

when we talked again i was supposed to be more sober and better dressed....sigh.

though last night nyla and i were driving and we passed the laundromat that treavor uses. i leaned over to peak in and saw treavor folding his shirts. after that the depression sets in...i think the anti-depressants help but they don't work too well for huge freak-outs.

sigh.

nothing else is new. doesn't that suck?

2003-09-19T00:16:00.000-05:00

fell asleep after school
no gym
missed my therapy appointment
dinner of oreos and pizza
grocery store
straight porn
little bit of homework
now to bed

oh wait. i saw the dumbest thing today. about a week ago i reviewed an application for a bungee mechanism for the marshall fields department store. i was convinced they were filming some shitty bruce willis movie but it was actually worse. at marshall fields thay had a vertical fashion show on the exterior of the building. what's that? that's where they push models off the building on bungee cords wearing all the lastest bullshit for us to buy. some were trying to dance on their way down. even if you were really serious about it all you could really see were the tops of their heads because they were lowered down horizontal to make them look like they were walking down the side of the building. lame.

2003-09-17T23:09:00.000-05:00

i should be working on my thesis, cleaning my room, doing the dishes, watching the golden girls, riding my bike, having sex, or crying in a heap of dirty clothes at the bottom of my closet.

instead i am here with you.

hi.

nyla found out where the bird got in - under the air conditioner in the dining room. she was eating breakfast today and a bunch on little finches were sitting on top of it chatting themselves up. she watched one try to wiggle in and then the others then tried. that fucker brought his friends over to eat our food and shit our house up. nyla shooed them away and put a short piece of wood under the a/c to keep them out. the wood only enhances the hard hat motif we have around here.

i have been having treavor dreams the last few nights. i don't remember the scenarios, jus tthat he was there. it means i am going to have some interaction with him. it always happens when you dream of someone you haven't seen in awhile - they contact you.

met someone in a most unwholesome way a few weeks ago. we spoke on the phone tonight. me wanting him to come over, he saying it was too late but still wanted to talk. ok. let's talk.
we talked. we may meet up on saturday.

the ~~astrophyscit~~ astrophysicist called me last night. he seems smart and accomplished and he's funny and very cute. he's 23. blah. i am having a hard time with this mainly because most guys i like are older and bigger than i and he's just taller. we may meet up when he's back in town in a few weeks. he's probably lying and he comes here because he's a high-priced hooker or a drug trafficker or a self-mutilator.

that pesky stripper at the gym has been hitting on me again. yeah, it's nice having a cute guy with a nice body flirt with you, but not when they're so damn creepy and dumb. he always talks to my crotch.

nyla is gone for a week. she says if i am good and don't trash the house she will bring my back a baby hide. sick.

2003-09-17T23:08:00.000-05:00

2003-09-17T22:45:00.000-05:00

2003-09-16T23:13:00.000-05:00

i feel like i live in a construction site. there is still so much to do around here and i have to focus on school, although i haven't. sigh. lack of motivation. nyla is going to houston tomoorw until next tuesday. she's afraid i will burn the house down or put my finger in a socket.

i feel dumb. i sent a message to a guy whose personal ad i have been drooling over for months. i probably did it because i want to have sex. i know i did but i have had too much time to invent my own personality for him.

actually, he hasn't responded. so, i feel dumb.

2003-09-15T21:23:00.000-05:00

dear diary,

the anti-depressants seem to be working. today i saw a bunny. it made me happy. i hope it rains tomorrow 'cause maybe there will be a rainbow. oh dear. no one to love but myself.

today, retro, the over-achiever, did just that. she went on and on explaining to the professor about all the extra leg work she has already done for us for the historic neighborhood survey we are about to begin. this and this and that too. we all sighed and rolled her eyes. maybe she could just do the whole thing for us. sometimes we talk about inviting her to our preservation salon where we sit around and discuss architecture and whatever in a non threatening environment - say a bar. but everytime we are about to ask her she pulls one of her look how much i know monologues in that sing song voice and all you want to do is box her up and send her to montana.

this evening i got home and noticed a stain on the dining room table. grumbling about nyla being a total pig when eating breakfast, i cleaned it up. then i noticed another stain and another. that's when i realized somehow a bird got in the house and while freaking out that it couldn't escape, it shit all over the window and table. scream. i cleaned it all up and scrubbed my body. now the problem is i can't find the bird.

2003-09-14T13:17:00.000-05:00

last night i met a cute guy from nyc. he's an astro-physics grad student building telescopes in the sierra, speaks four languages and is 23. we talked for about half an hour until my own insecurities caused me to finally excuse myself. i went back to hang out with my friends and desribed the little dynamo i had spent the last half an hour with and eddie spewed an arc of beer from his mouth onto my shirt and in my face. suddenly, i felt safe again.

2003-09-13T09:58:00.000-05:00

nyla, laforest and i went to see thte new sofia coppola movie last night. it was good and it was interesting to see a movie about a guy having a midlife crisis treated in a sensitive way. the movie was beautiful and it just reminded my about how much i want to be a coppola....

i want to be a coppola
i want to be a coppola
i'd write books
design clothes.
make movies
wine too
i wanna be just like you
i wanna be a coppola
i wanna be a coppola

maybe we are all coppolas and it's just a matter of me finding the coppola inside of me.

2003-09-12T15:52:00.000-05:00

my memorials, monuments, and tombs class spent the entire morning and afternoon at graceland cemetery. it's right by my house but i am always too busy to ever go in and look around. it's where all the big shots are buried and the landscape was designed as a victorian park. originally visitors were allowed to ride bikes, picnic, and the blah.

now it's some scared site that they tell you to be still and quiet and fear death. such bullshit. anyway, i knew we were going to be there for a bit so i brought food and had lunch with mies van der rohe and his headstone. like the lastime we went somewhere exciting, i left my camera at home. i'm a damn fool. i'll go back and take pictures when the leaves turn. mies' has a minimal headstone of polished black granite that reflects the trees above in this haunting black and white, silent movie way that i want to somehow capture it on film.

i'm going to the gym.

2003-09-11T22:52:00.000-05:00

i got home tonight starving and decided to stuff my face with potato chips. i dropped a few in the living room, picked them up and tossed them into my mouth. it wasn't until i started chewing that i realized soft instead of crunchy. i had a huge dustbunny in my mouth. sick. that's what i get for eating off the floor like a dirty boy.

the midwestern called me three times yesterday. i think i need to talk to him about space. this is going to suck. i don't want to be a dick or make him feel dumb.

my friend saw a woman lose her shoe on the subway this morning. she was exiting and not minding the gap and she got her four inch heel caught in between and when she wriggled it out the shoe fell down onto the tracks. she stood there on the platform in disbelief with on foot tucked under her like a flamingo as the doors shut and the train pulled away. ha!! i would have done anything to see this.
i miss all the good stuff.

2003-09-09T23:52:00.000-05:00

the doctor gave me a new anti-depressant. actually it's nore for anxiety because i'm an anxious little piglet. it's called effexor. so masculine. sounds like a ventilation system or something you put in your car to make it run better.

i cleaned my old apartment tonight. it was difficult to be there and say a final goodbye to each room. it still smells like my apartment. it still smells like the music i was listening to when i first moved in. i scrubbed and thought about treavor and how my new place is absent of any trace of him. i threw some stuff away. i took down the last shelves. i brought home the mirror in the bathroom that makes you look slightly better than you really do.

i used to have a ritual where i played a final song in my apartment right before i left. since everything is already gone i started humming while i finished up. the only song i could think of all the words to was fucking xanadu. i tried to think of something else but then gave in and sang xanandu unplugged, off key, standing tall and proud with my face towards the ceiling and as loud as i could.

2003-09-09T11:02:00.000-05:00

when it is so clear that i should not be dating anyone. why do i agree to go out with these joes? sigh. i have gone out several times with the midwestern. painfully midwest in a country crock sort of way, but he is grounded and smart and cute and laid-back. i am feeling rushed and at the same time i may be misleading him and i think i suck.

2003-09-08T23:24:00.000-05:00

this morning i was stuck in the elevator with scagliola. she is this totally unsavory first year that wears a mink coat with reeboks and talks about the forest preserves she used to go to get drunk with boys.

"oh, yeah. that one. we used to get so wasted there when i should have been in western civ."

scagliola.

the elevator was full. us in opposite corners filled in between with lots of asian interior architecture students. on our way to the top floor.

the elevator clears except for us and she starts screaming that she's gonna be sick and she needs a shower and this isn't tokyo so there is no reason to pack into the elevator. little pink balls of rage swirling about her head.

we have to believe we are magic.
if i close my eyes you can't see me.

some birthday pictures are up.

2003-09-07T20:28:00.000-05:00

i've been lazy about being here. right here.

mitch and nyla took me out last night for my birthday. we went to a moroccan restaurant i like.
we got drunk. then we met some other people out. all i wanted was a cake with an airplane on it and that's what i got. i was a beautiful pale blue. i'll post the pictures in a couple of days.

i am really enjoying school but i am finally realizing that all this hard work may be fine for my achieving a few personal goals but whoever said you need a graduate degree to make any money was not in historic preservation. i'm not sure i'll be able to survive working in preservation. i'm not sure if i want to pursue this after school. maybe. it's fun but there are several other things i want to do or at least learn to do.

fuck no, i can't go back to school again. i will deal with all of that once i graduate.

2003-09-04T22:33:00.000-05:00

that scholarship, the one where i'm supposed to go to portland maine, i don't think i'm going. the cheapest ticket i could find was about $400 and i've already spent about $150 on the poster plus i would miss almost a week of school and work. oh well, having my project selected was enough. i can still put it on my resume.

there is this guy i met and when he walks his dog he calls me.
if i'm home i meet him in front of my gate and i kiss him and then go inside.

the pictures link is now active

2003-09-03T16:42:00.000-05:00

three days. three days. three days left of my twenties.

i am at work. it's quiet. one of the guys here is wandering around, looking at the floor, picking up books and putting them down again. he looks like a dog that's been busted for doing something wrong. brow low, head hung. you can tell he hates that the sad reality that he isn't invisible. he's afraid to disturb even the air surrounding him. he dyes his hair. this grooming ritual is the only element that gives him a sense of belonging.

2003-08-31T13:53:00.000-05:00

labor day weekend is the end of summer so hopefully the summer of suffering is over as well.

jesus. now that we've got that out of the way.

i'm back.

2003-07-26T13:16:00.000-05:00

I am eating again. I am 92% better. I had a burrito just now and was thinking the weight I lost was really just fat and the body that’s left looks like it works out more than the one I left behind. so, perhaps I should forego the dinners of large cheeses pizzas and beer? this body is more agile, less sluggish and evolved.

I am packing right now. packing my stuff to put it somewhere else. tonight I hope to paint my room the most perfect pale grey. the closet in my new bedroom is haunted. i just have a feeling. nyla is coming over so I can fix her hair. the hair dye experiment last night transformed her into the chain-smoking mother that hangs out in front of the grocery store on weekends. I’ve never fixed hair but she has faith in my willingness to learn.

even my computer misses treavor. I was installing new software. I was cleaning up the desktop and clearing the trash. it wouldn’t let me. instead the computer pulled out all the little bits of treavor’s writing I trashed last summer. my computer misses treavor. I miss treavor.

2003-07-21T19:40:00.000-05:00

i'm still sick. i'm not going into details. i called treavor. he came over and held me and i couldn't sleep because i was afraid it was going to end. he went with me to the doctor. he held my hand. the doctor said i'll probably be ok but i just have to make it through the upset stomach. we spent the day together and we cried and talked. he says we still can't be together. i love him. i'm back where i started. a big crying baby.

old self-destructive behavior that never worked in the first place. old self-destructive behavior that never worked in the first place. old self-destructive behavior that never worked in the first place. old self-destructive behavior that never worked in the first place. old self-destructive behavior that never worked in the first place. old self-destructive behavior that never worked in the first place.

set out to do the opposite.

change my about going on now
keep thinking good things will happen me
good things will happen

2003-07-18T22:59:00.000-05:00

i have food poisoning. i got it last night at the restaurant nyla and i went to. we saw charlie's angels, which is so fucking good. during the movie my head started to hurt and i got really tired. when i got in the house i was hurling up a storm of barbeque chicken. instead of food poisoning i am more inclined to think i'm having liver or kidney failure. i start to get scared and think i'm dying. i call treavor and ask him to come over. i get his voicemail. ii leave the door unlocked. i wake up everytime i hear keys rattling in the courtyard. treavor never comes. he calls me today to see if i am ok. in my worn out state i lose it again , the way i would lose it a month ago. i start bawling. i don't understand why we aren't together if we love each other and we are working out our problems. he says it's hard but he doesn't want to get back together. that we were not meant to be boyfriends. i miss him so much. sometimes i get really scared, like now, and i pray he will just come back.

i think i'm going to rip out what's left of my heart and store in in the trunk under my bed. this can never happen again.

2003-07-16T19:14:00.000-05:00

school teachers are whores.

i know, i had sex with one last night. a music teacher. i've known him for awhile. i called him just for sex. i went over, we got stoned and we had sex. he is in an open relationship and all i know is that he is a school teacher. we had sex twice in a row. i slept like a baby last night. i slept more soundly than i have in awhile. never underestimate the stress relieving properties of sex. never underestimate the stress inducing properties of sex.

i met another school teacher today while locking up my bicycle. this one teaches english and has curly brown hair and shoulders like dorothy from the golden girls. we talked and exchanged numbers in only the most wholesome of ways. i then asked him if he had any free time this weekend to go out.

he says he isn't interested in going out on a date.
ok then let's meet for coffee.
he says he doesn't want to meet for coffee.
my confusion is lifted when i look in his eyes. i don't think he was really looking at me but at some unconquered territory. he - indiana jones and me - the lost tomb
i said i would call him, which i am not sure i will, but i may, and i am not sure any of my actions lately have been in line with me mending what needs to mended and upgrading my anitquated systems of human interaction.

school teachers are whores. historic preservationists may be as well.

2003-07-16T19:01:00.000-05:00

i keep avoiding this. that i ran into treavor at the beach. at first i shook and freaked out. he apologized for breaking off the relationship the way he did. we sat there and talked and promised each other nothing. we sat and said nothing for awhile. we watched the lifeguards pull someone from the water a place them on a stretcher. we watched the ambulance drive up and take him away with no more interest that watching one of the seagulls pull trash from the sand. he isn't dating that guy any longer. good...

i walked him home. i said i can't work on myself and do this too. he said the same. we said goodbye and i rode away. most of the anxiety is gone. i'm not afraid to run into him again. well, i'm not afraid as long as he isn't all pimped out on some date.

2003-07-14T11:43:00.000-05:00

last night i went out with mitch. i am having trouble distinguishing between the real guys and the cartoons.

2003-07-14T11:42:00.000-05:00

he looked like john wayne gacy. the huge guy in the wheelchair with missing teeth and groaning in pain. i met him at night under the darker shade of the tree-lined street. he wants me to push him a few blocks home and carry his chair up the stairs for him. this is last week. i am on a date. ok. i push. the date tags along. nobody says anything. crossing the street i am surprised how the chair glides and picks up speed because of his weight.

we reach the foot of the stairs. he gets out and using a cane, whines like a puppy with each step. i fold the chair, carry it up, open it. he thanks me. i try to keep a distance in case he wants to push me into some booby trap. i say your welcome and we run down the stairs. this is something i forgot to type.

2003-07-12T12:07:00.000-05:00

i am so hungover. a whore with ideas. i always have such grand schemes. now i am quietly hungover. last night i went out. the confident and aggressive men always turn mushy when you get them alone. i am having difficulty saying no, but i still said it. thankfully.

2003-07-11T00:03:00.000-05:00

my big thirtieth birthday is a little less than two months away. in case you have run out of ideas, I would like:

1. an ipod
2. tickets to a sumo wrestling match – I’m serious. I think this would be so much fun.
3. a twenty-four hour professional bodyguard
4. the power of mind-control

2003-07-08T22:55:00.000-05:00

i survived the weekend. here i am. see?

mitch got home from san francisco earlier than i thought so we hung out on sunday. i've decided i can't go out unchaperoned. i've elected mitch as my guide through the gay. we went out and now that i have resolved boy on the bicycle and speed reader i need a new obsession from afar.

i found him. someone so handsome it makes me dizzy. totally dangerous. shaved head, dark eyes, stocky and a beard. the kind of guy that stops me in my tracks. some guy, perhaps his boyfriend, and totally the opposite of him noticed my interest and began to pay extra attention to punch. yes, that's his name. punch. let your mind wander...

i went out on a date with a guy and verified certain puerto rican myths as fact. i like him but he isn't dangerous enough. i only like the dangerous ones. come, sit on the edge with me. dangle your legs. i'll look out for you if you look out for me.

treavor is still heavy in my mind. i know this whole fucking ordeal is fresh, but the more i think about it, the more i think i am going to move away next summer when school is out. all i keep thinking about is how can the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with fuck you over so bad? i keep telling myself that if there is ever another treavor and we break up that there must be some way to make sure it doesn't almost kill me.

there is someone at my internship that i respect but they take out shit on me when i ask questions or need help with something. it's pretty obvious that they are overworked and stressed out, but that is no longer an issue for me to be concerned with. this week they asked me to do something and then took it out of my hands and did it themselves. not because i was doing it wrong or because i was too slow - because they are a control freak. it makes me a bit sad because the office is small and now i avoid this person all together and have stopped asking them if they need help with anything. i like this person, i just want them to remember that i am an intern and i am there to help and to learn stuff not to be a punching bag.

2003-07-06T02:45:00.000-05:00

this evening, after a date with a vague outcome, I was standing, naked in my kitchen and in the dark, eating candied ginger and listening to a message from a friend on fire island. I can hear the waves crashing in the background. I think of the beach at night when it’s so black and all you can hear are the rushing of waves crashing and the breeze blowing in your ears and you know the sea is right there, but you don’t know how close. you walk towards the sound and it’s almost scary because you don’t know how far you should walk out fearing if you get caught, the waves will close up around you and the undertow will take you away. this is why I decided to go out.

I went to the new bar and was lucky enough to sneak past the line because of someone I recognized at the door. inside I stop with a beer and look out into the crowd. then I notice the ex before treavor, the bad one, standing less than a foot away from me. if I was giving out free punches in the face not only would he be first in line, but I’d let him cut the line for seconds. the one relationship that was nothing but mental and emotional abuse. the one where I learned all the tricks I am still trying to unlearn. after almost four years of not talking to him, I am at a point where I don’t care one way or another if I see him or not or if he even looks in my direction. the problem lies within me in that with a look he is capable of finding the small part of me that is still the 20 year-old boy he knew and making me feel totally insecure or dumb. he always has a smirk of trouble on his face. he may be a changed person now, but I only remember how I was treated and that I don’t want any part of him. finally, I walked away. I stayed away.

I saw my old roommate. the one that hurt me by choosing another roommate over me. the chosen roommate that would steal his credit card and tour u.s. circuit parties, eventually losing his job and becoming a drug addict. I took it as the one challenge of the evening that I could handle. I smiled and said hi from afar. I would of approached him if it wasn’t for the his bookend boys. when I lived with him he bought and sold antiques. when I said hi he gave me a big smile and hi, how are you like I was a customer in the store. generic, but at least I made a step. if I see him again, I will do the same.

I left and went to another place. unlike last weekend, every place I entered felt sinister. I think I had one of my standard panic attacks.

fuck!!!!!!
what am I supposed to do?

I live in a hole. it doesn’t matter that on the way home I closed my eyes and discovered that you can always identify a taxi by the way is sounds racing down the street, or how beautiful a whole box of crushed meringue cookies are when they’re all over the street, or how hot a guy was cruising me on the way home. where I live is dark and I can paint it any way you want, i can write it down and make anything look better than what it really was. i stand in a crowd and the lights flash too brightly in my face and everything around me happens in slow motion and the problem is all of you out there. every one of you. I don’t trust any of you. I am afraid of you. the problem is me.

2003-07-03T23:54:00.000-05:00

I moved here in the summer. I now live in a grey area between two things, like a radio wave, the tower and the television.

I don’t know anyone here. The kids in the neighborhood are older than me and because of my size they think I am even younger. They stay away. I stay away.

I stay in the woods. It’s quiet, and like everywhere in the south, bugs just float in the heavy air. There are two separate locations where I can see the road. I watch the cars from the inside of trees and peer between the leaves. They can’t see me.

I map the woods. I catalog everything. I identify landmarks. I hide in the trees. Sometimes someone passes through, walking towards somewhere else. I hide and watch them go by. The best is when I am just above them, hanging from the limbs, and they just keep walking. I hear their breathing, the words they mumble to themselves. Nobody knows I’m here.

There must be somewhere in between here and there. A place to go where people see you and where things happen.

I am buying clothes for somebody else.
I take words from someone else’s mouth.
I act as though nothing ever happened.
I live as though I’ve left the somewhere in between, but I’m still floating in the heavy summer air.
I’m not touching you and you’re not touching me.

I ride my bike down side streets, where the canopy of trees block the street lights and I can stand up and let the leaves brush against the top of my head, I am in the woods again, the safest place in the somewhere in between.

2003-07-03T15:16:00.000-05:00

not to be refilled with any other liquids.

2003-07-03T09:04:00.000-05:00

i woke up this morning to discover i had blocked out treavor's birthday. it was monday. i guess it's good i didn't remember but now i can't stop thinking about what he may have done. should i have sent him a card? did he think i would call him? am i a jerk for not remembering? lately my life has been no more than a distraction. i still miss him so much.

2003-07-02T20:28:00.000-05:00

there's thunder rumbling inside of me. it's far away, but i can feel it.

i think my therapist was unhappy i had sex with speed reader. he didn't say it but i could feel it. it was the first time i've had sex since april. some things shouldn't be ignored for so long. some things i have ignored for too long. i need to address those things. i like him, my therapist. i don't like his sometimes extra-feely view of the world. i think it's unrealistic. i'm trying though, to be more optimistic.

being a man is not your crushing handshake or a slap on the back, or my beard, or pointing to the girls you'd fuck if you were straight, or having a tatoo, or playing sports.

being a man is owning a pink messenger bag, and kissing a guy on the street, and rubbing your whiskers on your boyfriend's neck, and telling someone exactly what you feel, and telling someone to fuck off when they need to be told, and seeing who can hold their breath underwater the longest, and taking responsibility for the things you do, and rubbing your hand through my hair before the movie starts, and riding your bike as fast as you can.

2003-06-30T23:21:00.000-05:00

my, gayin it up sure does make you tired.

i've had a weekend where many ideals were destroyed and new were created. saturday i had to work at whole foods but i dragged my little rock-star friend out to this new place. there was bicycle boy. no shirt, hairy chest, tatoos. i decided then i needed to do something about this obsession. we flirted for a bit, realized he was a bit fucked up - yeah, drugs are fine, but it just didn't go with the life i had created for him. then i met his boyfriend. he was hot too. then i had more to drink and said fuck it and decided to do what i do best. i made out with each of them separately. i groped them like (12) twelve-year old girls at shriner's convention. yes, i got to touch and now i can go on.

the parade was hard at first because i was so afraid to run into treavor. after a few drinks i found myself actually setting myself up to run into him - going to the places he would most likely be. i stopped myself and went somewhere different and discovered an open bar! an urban oasis. mr blueblood came up to me. tan with blonde dreadlocks, handsome, but he used the word fierce and he was missing a molar. i know i've been easy the last few weeks, but i have to drawn the line somewhere and i am going to do it with missing teeth. later i ran into a guy i went out with about seven (7) years ago. we went out on one date and i'm not sure why we never called each other back but we decided to go out again. them i ran into ed's old roommate that i had sex with last summer when treavor and i broke up. bad thing is i forgot he was ed's roommate until about a month ago. hopefully, we'll go out soon too. i would probably like to go out with him more than the others because i know him a little bit and i think we would get along well and could become good friends.

i ended gay day by meeting up with speed reader. i completed the tasks set before me. i wasn't even sure we were out on a date. well, i guess it wasn't a date. but it was the first time i have had sex since the breakup and it was awesome. i went home so exhausted and thinking how weird it is to meet up with someone you don't really know and have sex. it's been so long since i've done that and it was fun but it feels emptier now. probably because its not treavor. ed says i'm at a point where i take sex more seriously. i just think i am a sucker for always having a boyfriend. i know that but i'd like to be someone who is just as content being by myself.

so, tonight i met the diamond-seller at the gym. he is the only one i actually approached. he kept staring and he said hi when i walked by. i wanted to see if i could actually approach someone and start a conversation. i did. yay for me.

i know i am being a bit of a whore these days, but i think i'm just going to go with it for awhile.

2003-06-28T00:36:00.000-05:00

there is too much going on here. i'm leaving.
you can't leave. you're here with me.
no. i'm going. it's freaking me out. they want to eat me alive. i can tell.
that's the whole point. that's why you wanted to come here. right? let them do what they want.
no i can't do this anymore. i'm getting cold, let's go.
fine, but i don't want to hear about this later.
i can't win at this.
this isn't about winning

2003-06-28T00:16:00.000-05:00

happy gay weekend. in fact, sodomy for everyone! you and you, and grandma too!

sandra day o'connor says you have to love me.

i have made no plans for this weekend. every year there is always some big setup. this year i want everything to be spontaneous. i am still dreading the possiblity of running into treavor but i have promised myself that the second i see him to run the other way, even if it means jumping on a float in order to escape. it will also be hard not to stand there and actually look for him. i can't spend the whole day doing that. please don't let that happen.

anyway, speed reader gave me his phone number and wants to "hang out" this weekend. i would rather go out on a date and "fuck." i have never wanted to bury my face in someone's ass the way i want to with his and hey! it's so legal so let me at 'em.

today i tried to go to the opening of the new apple store here in chicago. i gave up after forty (40) minutes because about two-thousand people were ahead of me. seriously. the line wrapped around the entire block two (2) times. it got a bit creepy with people chanting ap-ple, ap-ple, ap-ple. the guy next to me kept trying to calculate when we would reach the front door. "ah yes, according to my formula there are roughly 500 people on each side of the block and it had taken us thirty minutes to get this far and as the maximum capacity of the structure is 1,500...SHUT THE FUCK UP. by looking at the line it was pretty obvious it was going to be a long wait mother fucker. so, i left. i'll go on my lunch break next week. i want an ipod but i keep stalling because i want to see if they come out with another new one, and i also don't like the screen on them.

2003-06-24T22:58:00.000-05:00

my trip to nyc this weekend was one if the best trips there - ever!. i saw buildings, had lunch with new old friends, saw ed, hung out with patty, bought shoes, bought a bag, drank lots of beer, was bit and licked, was kissed, was other stuff.

patty and i went up to the top of the empire state building at night. it was so beautiful and strangely romantic. i have never been afraid of heights but i looked through the bars and i got so freaked out it made my balls ache. cremaster.

it wasn't until towards the end of the trip that patty, not looking at me but a pair of shoes in the window of a closed store in astoria, said - you know, soon your just have to close the book and move on. you may not be over it, but you know you have to keep going and know that yes, it sucks, and you'll still think about him, but you have already changed and you need to take that and realize that that your life is going on and you need to be a part of it - i guess i knew all of this but when he said it i clicked and i knew i was going to be able to do it. on saturday night i was still a bit grumpy and sad about treavor but after patty said those words, it changed. i don't know how i'll react when i see him on the street but for the last few days and right now i think i can do this. i'm still mad at treavor becaue of how he broke up with me it has taught me something about realtionships and that decisions should not be secrets.

anyway, we went to the slide - slighty sleazy - yum, barracuda - was licked and bit on the back of the neck by some stranger, xl - which sucks and is too fancy for moi, went to hell - pretty fun, went to phoenix - still my favorite bar and where i met a very handsome man. i wanted to go to the cock but patty was wierd about it. not sure why since he goes all the time.

the guy at phoenix was so cute and smart and we talked about architecture. then he kissed me. at first i was reluctant because i was in the middle of the bar but then i said fuck it, i don't live here. we made out in the bathoom, in the bar, by the pool tables, whereever there was a spot. and it was hot and fuck off.

he was just the type of guy i'd like to hang out with here. that's what sucks about chicago and makes nyc so much better - the fact that gay guys come in all shapes and sizes in new york. chicago isn't as bad as texas but the look is still pretty homogeneous.

aside from all the hot, this trip confirmed for me that one day i will move to new york. maybe not forever, but at least for a bit, just to see what it's like. i'm not doing it tomorrow - just someday.

my mom moves to wyoming on saturday. i'm kinda proud of her for just going out and moving to somewhere she has never lived. i think it's the first time she has taken such a big risk. i secretly hope she doesn't like it because i don't want to go visit her there. maybe she'll like denver instead.

my grandma is pissed about the move. she called today. we are having lunch on monday. she can't understand why my mom doesn't want to move back to chicago and thinks she is being foolish. i'm going to have to tell her to mind her own business. how can i do this in a grandmother-like fashion?

i saw tweeker at the gym tonight. he wants to go out again. i should say no, but he is so hot. yes, i do want to have sex with him and that's it. if i can, i think i will. he kissed me right in the gym. it was surprising because it was so busy. i let all these guys kiss me. i'm kind of a kissing whore lately, huh?

i like kisses. bring me the boys for the kisses. mwah.

2003-06-20T01:45:00.000-05:00

stalker channing is watching my every move. as i walked through the courtyard this afternoon, i felt like something was watching me. as soon as i walked in my phone rang. it was her. calling to ask me more questions about the apartment. she had to have been peering out her window waiting for me to come home. she wants to have my babies or wear my genitals as a necklace.

therepy went very well today. we agreed i ahve to do several uncomfortable thing every week until they are easier. little stuff like talking to people, going out, contacting with people. i think it's a good idea. therapist also said that while treavor has basically written his own version of our breakup that i need to try to ignore it no matter what a huge injustice it may be. i need to worry about myself. that is hard.

updated list of new things i enjoy:

the different ways people walk
the way the automatic voice on the subway says "this is grand" when we stop at grand avenue. sometimes i believe him.
the way people in a crowded elevator stay in tight little clusters even though people get off and more room opens up
the way people sometimes fall when the bus or subway moves because no matter how long they have been taking public transportation, they still think they can stand and not hold on.

i'll add to this later.

this was not a new favorite:

walking to the bus today i saw a terrible accident. a woman was talking on her cell phone and slipped and fell onto the elevated tracks at state and lake. a train squished her and it took several hours to remove her body. i saw the tarp lying in the intersection where her body was waiting for the ambulance. all i could think about was her weekend plans, the people she's close to that don't know yet. it was so terrible. i kept walking to catch the bus. a wedding party drove by honking their horns, celebrating. i then thought of what an imortant and happy day it was for all of them. how they'll always remember this day. i thought of the family of the lady who died and what kind of day it is for them and the anniversary that they now have.

nothing fits right anymore.

2003-06-17T21:20:00.000-05:00

i'm so stuck in this i've been to paradise, but i've never been to me bullshit. why won't this end?

i have a stalker. sometime last week this girl called to see my apartment. she's sub-letting hers as well and needs to wait until she rents her's but she came over, looked around a bit, and then spent the rest of the time looking at my books, commenting on them, looking at my photos, commenting on those. it was creepy. so now she has called me several times since then to say hi and see if i have rented my apartment yet.

why don't you rent you crazy bitch?

the only reason i can think of that makes her so creep-bo-beep is that she is from new york and she thinks that you have to lurk around for apartments you want in chicago because it's super-competitive. it's not though. it may drive you to throw yourself on the cta tracks, but it's not that bad.

i also think she is the one that has been ripping all the numbers off of the sign i made. every two days or so i have had to put up a new sign. i noticed about four of the tags disappeared on a monday morning. i thinks she wants my place so bad and she is willing to kill to get it.

this is the last month i am going to do the newsletter. i need to take back the free time i so freely give away. i need it for me.

finally, speed reader strolled through my line at whole foods (just his walk drives me crazy). he quietly and confidently asked me why i haven't been at the coffee shop in awhile. we talked, or at least i tried to. i was just stunned to have him in front of me. he introduced himself to me. his name isn't the name i would give him so i think he will remain speed reader. he is a physical trainer and a painter. that partially explains that body. the one i want to salt and east like a turkey sandwich.

three (3) days to new york. yay! patty says he is going to try really hard to be really nice while i am there. the only request he has is that i don't activate him. i was unaware of my olgilvie home perm capabilities.

2003-06-16T00:12:00.000-05:00

both of them called me. i went on a date with the one guy i met at the bar. nice but not the direction i want to go. anyway, still fun to hang around with so maybe we will do so in the future. haven't called the tweaker and not sure if i will.

the internship has been a lot of fun but so challenging. i am learning so much but at the same time trying to fit into a new routine. i need my comfortable rut. i've been reviewing building permits and doing research for designations. it's fantastic!

i have so much to do this week. i'll be in new york on friday. at last some time to hopefully relax. whenever i come back from a trip it puts my life in a new perspective. i can't wait to go and to come home again with new ideas and hopefully enough focus to make it through this stupid.

this week has actually been really hard for me. mitch saw treavor at the gym. treavor explained to him that we broke up, but it was amicable and there were no hard feelings between us. what the fuck is he talking about??!! i have been sad and really angry this week. i can't remember treavor's voice. i try to think about the way he sounded and i can't remember. it scares me. i think for the first time in awhile i am all by myself. i t makes me angry that maybe i was alone the entire time treavor and i were dating. i am having a lot of trouble being comfortable with being alone. i'm a little man drawn in erasable pen.

2003-06-11T22:59:00.000-05:00

the smallest of the small. today was cold, foggy, quiet - like the opening credits of a movie, distant and obscure. a day that will be easy to forget.

neither of those guys have called me back. i suppose it was all for sex. if that's it then i am better without them blah fuck-blah. i see my therapist tomorrow which is good. it has been a rough week. treavor is probably curled up with the stranger right now. sure, it's over, but why does it have to hurt so much? i wish i was bulletproof. i can't stop dwelling on that i have been replaced. i'm invisible.

what happened to my super powers?

2003-06-09T11:25:00.000-05:00

last night sucked and i will tell you why.

first! scary beyond scary. at five (5) am someone buzzed my apartment saying their wife was in labor and they needed me to buzz them in to use my phone. this scared the hell out of me because one (1) the story is obvious bullshit and two (2) anyone wanting to come in my house that early wants to either steal my shit or kill me. so i called the cops but before they could come i saw the person jumped into a cab and take off. i couldn't get back to sleep or about an hour. but when i finally drifted off...

i had more bad dreams. it started with my grandma and i at an apple cider festival. for some reason i was an expert in apple cider and was explaining to grandma the complex process of extracting juicing apples. later i was being stalked by someone name hamlin they would leave messages at my house and send me emails. they also sent me an altoids box containing a tooth and a metal screw. incidently, hamiln is a variety of orange commonly used for juice in the winter when valencia oranges are not in season. then, i was at patty's house and i entered a contest and won a mercedes. the lady on the phone put me on hold. i sat there thinking of how i would sell the car and pay off my debts when i was disconnected. i tried to call back but the phone was broken. then! treavor and his new boyfriend came over to patty's house. we were all staying the night at his house and treavor and his boyfriend got the spare bedroom while i had to sleep on the sofa. i sat there crying in the dream wondering how i was going to make it through the night. i got so angry that i went for a walk. i walked past a beautiful building that had a waterfall flowing down its facade. a bunch of people gathered around it saying that the water was destroying the structure and we must divert flow to save the building. instead i stood near the base and let the water beat down on my head. the end.

so, to sum it up:
apples
oranges
treavor
unattainable riches
historic preservation

too creepy to comment in this

2003-06-09T00:01:00.000-05:00

last night i was supposed to go to a party thrown by someone at work. that didn't happen and i suddenly realized that i was in a car with a bunch of twenty-year olds disussing whose house we could go to to drink. that's when it stopped and i said take me home. i took back the night.

i was content at home watching trading spaces and that bullshit wedding show when i forced my self to polish up and go out. i went somewhere i wouldn't normally go but have wanted to because i thought the guys would be hot. had a few drinks, talked to a few people and then saw a guy that i thought was really handsome. older than me but he had a great body and was about my height. he came up to me, said hi plus a few other random things. what won me over was that he then just grabbed me a kissed me. it was so awesome. after a few minutes of being the whore in the back of the bar that you always wish would leave. we started talking again - he's a judge. he said we work out at the same gym and then he mentioned he knew where i worked and said he's just keeping an eye on me. this could have been taken as creepy stalker but it came off as hot.

he wanted to leave but i stil don't feel comfortable do that, so we switched numbers and he gave me a ride home. in the parking garage just before he unlocked the door he threw me up against the car and kissed me some more. it was so random and spontaneous. so much fun.

i wasn't sure if he would call but i don't think i cared if he did but this afternoon he did call wanting to hang out. thinking about it though, i am looking forward to it.

what sucked is last night i had terrible dreams of screaming at treavor and begging him to talk to me. he would just sit there and ignore me. then my asian cook came in with some soup and i yelled that i wasn't hungry.

2003-06-07T12:18:00.000-05:00

i told work about the internship and how i wanted to still work there maybe one (1) or two (2) days a week. most seemed ok with it but then one of the managers brought up some arbitrary rule about having to be available on sundays. i said no and now the managers have to "discuss it." what total bullshit. i'm always on time, i don't lose money, and they are treating me like some nineteen (19) year old trash that keeps missing work to get abortions.

so, in all, i will quit if they try to make me work on sundays.

2003-06-07T12:11:00.000-05:00

although i had an ok time on thursday. i keep trying to forget that the whole time i felt like i was cheating on treavor or in some way being unfaithful. most of the time i was wondering about what he was doing. i wish i was out on a date with him instead.

i feel like a loser because he has moved on and i can't.

2003-06-06T12:14:00.000-05:00

hey.

yeah you. last time i checked i think there was about fifteen of you. you are the folks that look and read here on a regular basis. i just wanted to say thanks. it's always cool to receive your emails, concern, stories, and recomendations, especially over the last few weeks. ok, sorry. i'll go back behind the curtain now. bye.

2003-06-05T23:58:00.000-05:00

i'm back. therapy was good. i think i have finally found a good therapist that i trust to be myself around. the date was actually fun. he's one of those people that can talk about anything. he was charming and handsome and funny and so nice, but he come back from the bathroom sneezing a lot and then progessively became aggressive. yes, it was fun. we made out in the car in front of my house. it was so high school and so cool. i loved every bit of it. he wants to go out again. i said yes. again, i will not put any expectations on it and if he wants to sit in front of my house swappin spit, that's fine with me.

the bar was the type of bar that i would want to own. very low light. hazy dark blue glass, dark wood. it was beautiful, an almost perfect environment. i have such an aversion to cologne and perfume. mostly because i am allergic to most kinds, but it think it gets in the way. i hate it when it preceeds an entrance and lingers long after the person has left. cologne is a bad party guest.

2003-06-05T18:05:00.000-05:00

tonight i am meeting super-hot for drinks right after i see my therapist. i'm going to try to have no expectations and just go to meet someone new. i haven't had sex in two (2) months and three (3) days. this is going to be difficult. this sucks. i don't think my ego can withstand another blow. i don't want to go, but i will.

2003-06-05T17:54:00.000-05:00

tonight, i am meeting super-hot for drinks right after i go to the therapist. this is a good idea right?what if everything goes well and he's not a huge loser and he wants to fuck? i don't think i can do that right now. that sucks. do you know it has been two (2) months and three (3) days since i've had good, sweaty sex. i shouldn't have any expectations. i should just go and see what happens. yes, that's what i'll do. sigh...i have so much shit to hash out with my therapist tonight.

2003-06-05T11:14:00.000-05:00

give a man a fish and he eats for a day. give a man a well-paying internship with the city's landmark division and he eats for a summer.

hey sanna, hosanna, i just got a call and the job is mine.

2003-06-05T00:14:00.000-05:00

so last night the handsome man came through my line at the store, told me he loves my smile and hopes we could have a drink sometime. this guy is so hot. out of my league hot. chisled, perfect body and an amazing face to boot. it was one of the few times in my life i just stood there and stumbled over my words like an idiot. finally i said yes.

i hung out with mitch tonight. he just lost his job and now that i am single, i think we will hang out more. i mention the super-hot to mitch. he rolls his eyes and recalls years ago when we went to the same gym. "don't you remember the guy who you always thought had the best legs in the gym? it was him!" i remember the legs, i guess, but not the guy. mitch proceeds by telling me to be careful because the guy is a huge cocaine addict.

now i'm not sure what to do. this is definitely another part of my life i need to work on. how to attract the good guys. if anyone remembers last summer when treavor and i were separated for a short bit, you'll recall my problem with attracting alcoholics, premature ejaculators, and drug lords.

what the fuck? i can't let this happen again.

mitch and i went out for a drink. to the same place where treavor found his new love. i couldn't shake the thought and had a rotten time. i don't like gay bars. they make me feel insecure and invisible. what's the alternative? i'm beginning to think my life is one big fucking joke.

2003-06-04T01:23:00.000-05:00

dear universe,

what's your problem? again? no fucking way! this evening when i found over $1,600 in cash and checks in a bag in the the locker i was using i was not struck with excitement and relief like last time. i just rolled my eyes, turned it in, and wondered why you are testing me again. quit tempting me when i am so broke. i have no interest in playing caretaker to every fuckup that loses a wad of cash. so enough. i want my own bundle. tomorrow i am buying a lottery ticket. you do the rest.

sincerely,

me

2003-06-03T11:13:00.000-05:00

a new list of goals for me

put myself first in everything I do and that by doing this i will in turn be respectful, kind, and honest with others (thanks ed)

slow down to:
experience the present instead of focusing on what i need to fix to make me happy in the future and regretting the past. i need to stop and enjoy the now, although the now right now sucks the biggest dick it could find.
listen to what people are saying. i have even started this at work where i usually say "hi,how are you, great, thanks, fine, paper or plastic?" i am going to stop and just say hi and hear what they have to say.
make eye contact with everyone. you'd be surprised how often people don't
be more honest, even about the little stuff that's easy to dismiss.
go to the gym regularly.
hire a ninja to follow me. he or she will sail from rooftop to rooftop with no more sound than that of a light breeze making sure nothing bad happens to me and swiftly silencing that which attempts to.

2003-06-02T13:21:00.000-05:00

yesterday was ok. i wandered around for a bit, bought some more new clothes that i may never wear (but it just makes me feel so good) and had a small lunch. i'm starting to get hungry again. yesterday i had three (3) suitors one (1)at the gym and two (2) at work. it was flattering and it made me feel good too. one (1) of the guys at work caught my eye as he went through the express line. so handsome. a little more done-up than my type, but so fucking hot. he was shy and embarrassed and the way he smiled at me and said goodbye turned him into a little boy. it made me laugh and i waved back. i've seen him before in the store so i'll have to look for him again.

i need to find someone to sublet my apartment to. nyla and i are moving in together in less than a month and i haven't started packing or called movers or found someone to take the place. i fear i may be fucked.

2003-06-01T10:59:00.000-05:00

last night nyla and i went to the this american life at the chicago theater. it was so good. one act was about one of the fathers of chicago preservation and how when he was thirteen (13) years old he went into mies van der rohe's office and begged him not to tear down a building. i had a nice time. i tried hard to ignore the empty seat, the seat for treavor and that this was a surprise for him because he likes sarah vowell and i knew he would love the show. i tried to forget what he was doing on his saturday night. afterwards, nyla and i were so hungry. the only place open was kfc. i ate a full meal for the first time in a week. that was soo good too. i had to stop taking the pills because they were giving me panic attacks. every now a then a wave of cold sweat and total horror would pass over me. i'll have to ask the doctor for something different, something that doesn't make me so sensitive to sound. eveything sounds so loud lately. i just want small and quiet. now when i come home, i keep things quiet. no tv, no music. i don't want anything to remind me of this time period.

today is harder. sundays were tim and treavor days. i woke up this moring earlier than we would have ever risen and tried to go back to sleep several times thinking of the little curls by his neck, the outline of his shape, and the star tattoo on his back that i would always kiss. i push it all out of my head but the outline of his body glows in my mind. it's the little bit that is still here in this bed with me, not yet faded. i pushed my feet through a pile of clothes at the end of the bed. it was usually our legs intertwined. sundays are the worst. no more strolling arm in arm, going to the movies, reading magazines at the bookstore. now that there is this new guy i feel ugly, small, weak, dumb and alone.

i've tied a piece of brown cord around my wrist. i put it there to remind me that yes, i am going to get through this and i an going to be such a better person too. it's kind of dumb, but it helps and it looks cute.

2003-05-31T10:18:00.000-05:00

the interview went well. i hope i get it because i need more new things in my life right now. last night i had to leave work early again. i totally freaked out. this time though more like a panic attack. i was sweating and my heart was pounding. i couldn't get treavor out of my head. it was horrible. i started to cry. i at least thought these pills would make me stop crying.

some people come back into your life like smoke. quietly and softly. they were there before you knew they were. that's what ed did this week. even though far away he calmed me down and helped me see situations in a rational way. i feel better right now. i'm not sure how long it will last but this second it feels wonderful.

he may be right that i have a lot of my self-worth tied up in my realtionship with treavor. it makes sense. he is the smartest, funniest, most handsome guy ever in my life, and now that he no longer wants to be with me, i'm crushed. so i feel rejected that the person that i'd admire the most has rejected me.

i have so much work to do.

2003-05-30T00:04:00.000-05:00

today i was walking to work feeling low and unsure of my path. i looked down the block and speed reader was walking towards me. for the first time he looked me directly in the eye smiled and said hi as he walked by...

thanks speed reader. yes, i have always thought you were hot, but thanks for the smile, the hello, and being nice to me.

2003-05-29T23:59:00.000-05:00

i feel sick. the pills are helping me from totally freaking out but i am still so sick and sad. treavor sent me an email today telling me that it's over and he is moving on, he likes this new guy a lot, and don't call him or come over to his house because he probably won't be alone and he will ask me to leave. he was so mean and the tone so cold. he says it's the only way he can do it and let go.

are my problems trite? i feel that i am really over-reacting sometimes but i have never felt such an overwhelming sense of abandonment and regret.

i think i was a horrible boyfriend. i don't know how to communicate properly. i was insensitive and i repeatedly hurt his feelings. i am the foolish one for losing him and for not seeing these issues until it was too late. i've lost him.

2003-05-28T20:31:00.000-05:00

this friday i have an interview for an internship with the landmarks commission. i hope i get it. it pays more and it's full-time. i could reduce my hours at whole foods and i would be doing something with what i learned this year. please wish me luck.

2003-05-28T20:29:00.000-05:00

i went to the therapist. it's a twenty-week (20) program. i am on zoloft now. i am the sad rock that is now happy and can jump logs and smile at birds.

nyla and i were driving this afternoon and i saw treavor. i jumped out of the car and ran up to him. i said basically everything my mon suggested. i knew it was the right thing to do. i told him i would give him his space and the door was always open to come home so we could work on our reationship and be happy. he said that i am the only one he has ever loved and to give him time. so, i will. if he never comes back, part of me will always be empty, but i need to work on repairing myself.

i talked to patty. he says i sound barky.

2003-05-28T20:24:00.000-05:00

It finally hit me in a big way. I had total brokedown palace, claire danes at work. I broke down crying at my register on Sunday. I am having such a hard time without treavor. After pleading with them to let me go home, I called treavor. We hadn’t spoken in two weeks and he was cold and distant on the phone. He didn’t want to see me. I think he finally noticed how upset I was and he agreed to meet me. We talked and I expressed how I don’t understand what is happening and why suddenly it’s over and I think we should go to a couple’s counselor together. He says no and we have tried too many times and he needs to move on.

I went to the local gbltzxk whatever clinic and asked to see someone for an assessment to get counseling. They were booked until I broke down there as well. nyla says women have been using tears as weapons for centuries and I should cultivate it for future use. I saw a therapist who was kind and helpful. I have an official appointment today.

I wrote treavor a letter to let him know how I feel and a way for my words to be more permanent. I went to his house to drop it off and discovered he met someone. I was leaving my letter and there was already a letter for him telling him how special he was and how he has enjoyed their time together. This is where I threw up.

Yesterday treavor admitted he had met someone last week and he likes him. It wasn’t planned and he doesn’t want to define what it is. He has spent a lot of time with him already – already spending the night at each other’s house on several nights. I tell him I don’t understand how he could do this and how two weeks can mean the difference between working it out and ending it so abruptly. He says everything I am going through is what he went through last summer when we broke up. He never told me this. If I had known I would have rushed over to his house and brought him home. Never would I dream of letting him go through the hell I have been going through.

Last night my world really began collapsing on me. I have barely eaten in the last few days. Barely slept. My head is pounding from all the crying. I spoke to treavor this morning and asked for us to sit a talk together. He says he rather talk things over the phone but maybe in a few weeks we can have coffee. I ask him why he doesn’t see that I think we can work through this together. He says it’s too late. He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and he loves me. I want the future with treavor and he says our past won’t allow it.

I am getting angry now. How could he do this to me? When I ask he responds that I did it to him last summer and while it hurts him to see me so upset, that it is all for the better to be apart. I think he is wrong. It makes me sick to think of this guy “being there” for treavor during this difficult time. Lying on the sofa with him, talking late in the night with him. Sleeping with him. Doing everything I want to be there for. treavor says meeting this guy and going out with him has nothing to do with me. I think it has everything to do with me. I want to fuck this bastard up because he is getting in my way. How can this happen?

nyla has been good and supportive. Getting me out of the house when I am in tears. patty has been patty. More detached than anyone I know. Just telling me that I am a tough piece of meat and I can get through it.

I called my mom. She was receptive and supportive. Besides, it you can’t cry with your mom, you are in worse shape than I. she gave me the commando advice that I am accustom to receiving from her. “timothy, you are tougher than this. If he can’t get it from you then he needs to go somewhere else. He may come back knowing that it was all a mistake, but you have to let him go and let him realize this himself. you can’t force anyone to do what you want them to do. It’s hard. I know. Everyday I think about repairing things with your father and I probably will everyday of my life but you have to focus on yourself. Write him a letter putting the ball in his court. Let him know that you are open and ready for him to come home when he is comfortable to do so. You don’t have to support his decision but you can let him figure it out for himself. If he comes back then you can work on repairing the relationship then. Now go out and meet people and join other circles because there is someone amazing out there. You going to have to sift through a lot of bad ones to find him but he is out there.”

This is why everyone mom's will always have jobs.

2003-05-24T00:56:00.000-05:00

i've lived in chicago for almost ten years. i guess that now makes me a native, but i don't want to be from chicago anymore. i'm not from anywhere. i think of all the times i postponed things for treavor, i was going to move to new york on two separate occasions, but i didn't . i was going to apply to other graduate programs, but i didn't. i didn't because i wanted to be with treavor and he always felt nyc was a place to visit but never live. i looked for other places we could eventually go. that's why we were going to visit san francisco this summer.

i never felt like i was a very good boyfriend to treavor. mainly because he always complained about what i was doing wrong or how insensitive i was. i rarely complained because, well, i was happy, just happy we were together and thinking we would make the best of it. he use to say that playing the victim was my defense mechanism for not dealing with the problems. so i would sit there and we would discuss the issue and nothing would be solved and he would say i didn't care or i just wanted to win the argument. "winning the argument" were his words. i was never competing. all i wanted was the arguing to stop. everybody argues and not every disagreement is solved. of course this is the last disagreement we had since he told me he was miserable in the relationship. miserable is a word that fits it's own definition. miserable sounds miserable. i was unhappy about some stuff, but i was never miserable. how can you be miserable when you're with the one you love the most?

the things i will never understand. i look at the past and i see times where i was a jerk, but i don't see me being as rotten as treavor says i was. i think i wasn't giving him something he needed. i don't think he knows what that need is either.

i miss the way we slept together. school next year is going to be a fucking bitch with him there in the elevator, with other boys, being his charming self. i've devised my own perfect hell encouraging him to apply to grad school. hearts don't break because they're wet and squishy. instead they dry out, become brittle and blow away.

2003-05-23T21:59:00.000-05:00

patty sent me an elastic rhinestone bracelet in the mail. the note says it is to ward off ugly men. maybe the sparkle from the crystals is meant to blind them while i make my getaway? i love it. i've even convinced myself that it looks butch on my wrist. it's so comfortable too, my talisman.

i made a cd of all the songs that remind me of treavor, apartments we lived in, trips we took, and other memories. i want to give him a copy, but i'm not sure if that's a good idea. i still have to go over there to pick up some stuff. i could always leave it on his desk. i could always hide under the desk and kick him when he gets home. i could always shit on his sofa.

i feel better. maybe i should go out? maybe that would be the scariest thing ever? i can't.

2003-05-23T19:12:00.000-05:00

i have such a huge mother-fucking hangover. god... i feel horrible. i never get them but i have one now because i went to a party after work and drank a lot of nasty cheap beer and then in my hazy glow i decided a few glasses of red wine was a nice way to finish of the evening. co-worker drops me off at home where i prompty puke on the sidewalk, shoes, and jeans. delish! i leaned out and can see that i puked on the sidewalk directly under my living room window. i live here! blach!!!

i need to stop hanging out with co-workers so much. not only am i often the oldest person in the room, gross, but getting stoned and drunk at someone's house is something i did when i was their age and now i'd rather do something else. besides last night was a good time but i heard a few things homophobic things. not directed at me but still indictive of the education level of some guests. that sounds snobby. oh well, you know what i mean.

leather weekend is here again. yay for daddies!! last night at work two daddies came through my line. the really hot one was saucy. the older one paid with a credit card and i looked at the name and saw it was theirry mugler. which i thought was cool but no one i was going to strip and lay on the grocery conveyer belt for. i can't believe how big he is - maybe 6'3" and 250lbs. big papa.

i got my ticket for new york. i will be there for the first weekend of summer - june 20 through june 23. exciting! i haven't been in a year. it will be nice to see patty and his new apartment and hot boys. yum.

2003-05-20T22:15:00.000-05:00

today was so nice but then it turned weird or maybe i let it get weird.

i woke up around 10:30
watched makeover story
went and had lunch
got my haircut
bought a shirt
went to the big beer store
ran errands
bought a belt, a loofah towel, and a book
crossed paths with nyla
had a snack
saw her mom
strolled arm in arm for a few hours

then i went to the gym.
it was busier
the straight boys were cuter
the gay boys were gigglier
i felt smaller and paler

i don't know how i went from such a high to such a low. it pissed me off and i couldn't shake it so i left there and went to the coffeshop to read for a bit. I read for a few hours but was still anxious about something...???...

i go into work late tomorrow, so i'll go to the gym early in the afternoon. i'm more handsome when it's not so crowded.

2003-05-19T22:59:00.000-05:00

some habits are hard to shake. I have been a pig over the last week and a half. three distinct piles of clothes i work from. the end of my bed, the dresser, and the edge of the laundry bin. i need be a clean boy and must be more strict about these things.

work is doing something wierd to me. it's the customers. i wouldn't say they are rude, some are looking for mommies and some want to dominate. i'm trying to keep my distance because other people's moods have a huge affect on my well-being, but some just weasel their way in.

i have a few regulars now. one older guy who is really controlling and germ-free. i call him purell. he's still nice though. another flirts with me when his partner isn't looking or had to run out of line for imported cheese. i'm a grocery ho. might as well let them slide their debit cards down my ass crack.

i wonder what treavor is up to? he is so extreme. he is either depressed and moping around or has his face in a pile of ass. he has such an addictive personality.

my life is dull right now. i guess that's good. right? quiet and a little sad - like a coldplay song. maybe not that far.

tonight's a good night to open the windows, eat oreos, watch rushmore, and be by yourself.

2003-05-16T22:28:00.000-05:00

the parents finalized their divorce. they finalized it in the parking lot of the lawyers office when my dad ran up to her wanting to talk and my mom punched him in the face and drove away. brother is back in singapore. he refuses to discuss any part of it. no matter what i say he just growls like a sleeping polar bear.

please god, don't make me like my family.

2003-05-16T10:31:00.000-05:00

i talked to treavor. telling him i deserved more than a voicemail. he says we have been talking about breaking up so the voicemail wasn't shitty. he had to get all of it off his chest and it was the only way he could do it. i think this is the worst excuse ever but he doesn't care. he thinks i am trying to start another fight.

the conversation sucked and i said i was against the whole thing. he thinks we've gone as far as we can. he starts to cry. i'm done crying. i go back to bed.

boys suck.

2003-05-16T01:26:00.000-05:00

last night i went to the last of the end of the year parties. this one was the best because not only was i drunk and stoned out of my mind, but i started talking to one classmate, the best who is leaving. we were talking about breasts and how i have never really touched one full-on. so she leans in and says i can touch all i want. at first i was afraid and started to giggle, but i did it and it was so much fun. i love breasts!!! i was trying to be stealth about it but in no time i had a total of five girls standing around me all loaning the gay boy a free squeeze. the best ever!!!! i see why guys like them so much. they're all unique in some way.

yay for breasts!!!

today nyla and i went looking for a condo. her saucy gay-gent was all up in my grill. we saw a few places we liked and nyla's mom put a bid on one. later we had a 2 and1/2 hour lunch. when we had enough strength we went to the bookstore. i went home a took a nap. - why can't each and every day of my life be like this??

when i got up i was so depressed. i miss treavor so much. i want to call him, but it won't help, it will just lake me more sad.

treavor i miss you.

2003-05-13T02:44:00.000-05:00

i am done with all of this shit. it's the summer of me...

i am going to do what i want. whenever. starting now.

motto: what the fuck does that have to do with me?

2003-05-13T02:41:00.000-05:00

great. school is over. in sorting out my summer full of grand possibilities, treavor calls and leaves me a voicemail breaking up with me. mother fucker. after all this time i get a voicemail? we have been having trouble over the last few weeks. he feeling that we argue too much and have too much baggage to move forward. i feel that after six years everyone has this much baggage and there is no perfect realtionship and as long as we are at least trying then we are doing our best to make things work. i feel it is when you stop trying that it has failed. treavor says he doesn't want to settle and he wants the ideal relationship he has in his mind. i tell him that his expectations of me are unreasonable. so, i get a voicemail.

i feel as though i've been left at the bottom of the ocean. treavor swims away in his glow-in-the-dark swim trunks. i sit here on the muddy bottom and watch his shorts fade away in the dark.

i am so beyond angry for all that i've put into this and all he could do is complain about everything we wern't doing instead of how far we had come. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. sigh.

now what?

2003-04-29T23:03:00.000-05:00

the weather is warm and straight boys cannot avoid frisbees.

school is over in one week.
hoo-fuck-rah!!!!!!
i like that. hoo-fuck-rah, hoo-fuck-rah, op-fuck-rah.

my plans for the summer are...
to work some
to go to the beach
to work out and get big and strong again
to read good books
to always have sundays off
to go see patty in nyc in the beginning of june.

madonna's new album....
a thirteen (13) year-old girl's journal put to music. je l'aime.

stuff has been happening to me but i can't remember now. i hate that.

i have new glasses that make me smart and cute. i don't wear them that often because i am still a bit self-conscious about them - just not sure if they are a success - dazzlers!

oh i know.

i had this fucked up dream last week where i was asleep in the dream and woke up on my bed in early evening. the room was filled with pink and orange sun. i realized i have been living in new york all this time and didn't know it. i called up patty so we could hang out and we did and had a grand time. later i got back to my apartment to see the door was open. i slowly peaked inside to see a little asian man on his knees by my bed and reading my journal. i yelled at him to get out and give me back the journal but his little asian partner in crime who was hiding came up behind me and poked me in the back with a stick so hard i woke up in real true life.

that all. interpret that shit.

i think i bought a pair of black jeans.

i thought they were really,really dark blue - that's what they looked like in the store. i washed them and wore them last week. i walked out of the house and noticed they look really black.

i don't work in a restaurant and i don't have a playstation but they fit really well. i don't know what to do. i shall wear them despite. alors.

2003-04-21T22:33:00.000-05:00

we will miss you, high priestess of soul...

nina simone (1933-2003)

2003-04-15T22:54:00.000-05:00

speed reader at the coffee shop trimmed his sideburns - finally! but he still dresses like shit. the only up is that he is still so fucking hot, hot, dreamy hot. the only down is that he is definitely gay and never once looks in my direction. i just want the attention! he has an indredible body and one of the arrogant walks although i don't think he is the big saucy-sauce type that hangs out at the bars and is mean to everyone. he just comes into the same place i study to read books fast. sigh.

2003-04-15T22:49:00.000-05:00

big jesus! here i am. i just woke up from a nap that lasted more hours than expected. tonights my night of no homework since i just turned in the biggest mother fucker of a paper today. so i just got back from trhe grocery store. i bought wine and pizza and it's warm out and i am going to sit here in my little office with the windows open and visit with you.

remember the little squirrel i had in the wall that in the middle of the night treavor would hunt naked with a knife? we finally met by the stove one afternoon when i ran into the house forgetting my powercord for my laptop. only prob is he isn't a squirrel. i hate fucking mice. i called the management company and they sent someone over today while i was in school, but he put down glue traps. glue traps!!!! forget it. i threw them away, like i am going to pick it up when its stuck to one and all hissing in fight or flight mode. fuck that. i got som etupperware for almost every piece of food in my house and maybe we can live together until classmate sublet's my place. i'll just have to keep it to myself that the place comes with its own pet.

why the hell do parents have to start dating so soon after a divorce? this should be a time to reflect and set goals and redefine themselves again as an individual. instead both my parents and nyla's are full-on pecan with this shit. my mom and i had a talk about it and i think she is aware of my disapproval. haven't addressed it with my dad yet. i fell like a parent with two teenage kids.

tell me you love the yahoo personals commercials as much as i do? i love them so much watching folks get ready for a date, putting on their best smiling faces. it makes me want to scream ii love them so very much.

since my parents also split the dachshunds up in the divorce i was sure that my dad was going to give me newton, i call him fig instead, when he moves to london in august. he now says he is keeping him because england has relaxed its quartine laws on animals. this seems contrary behavior to any animal after the mad cow business. anyhow, it makes me mad cause i wanted fig to come here.

treavor's mom is visiting this week. i feel bad because i really don't feel like i get along with her so i have avoided them altogether. this sucks since she is the only family he has or that he speaks with. i don't to and being busy with school is good because it is a good excuse. i am a jackass.

i haven't been to the fucking gym in so long that i am a five foot two, eighty-pound ( 5'2", 80lbs.) grandma. hurry up school. be done so i can spend my summer going to the gym, working at whole foods, reading good books, going to the beach, and riding my bike

2003-04-10T01:26:00.000-05:00

hey. one of my favorite classmates is quitting the program because she thinks it's bullshit. this has broken my spirit. mostly because i partly know she is right but i have been determined to steer things the way i want. i have been fairly successful at taking the classes that i want, but i am now realizing that i should have went for a degree in architecture theory instead of preservation. i have been doing my best in wrapping preservation theory into the classes i have been taking and i am fairly certain that my thesis will relate to theory in some way. but to a certain degree, who fucking cares. so much for almost thirty-thousand (30,000) a year.

2003-04-10T01:15:00.000-05:00

i am feeling a tad neglectful of the little machine. it's school. anyway, last week i went to see sea and cake. amazing. there are total pros and it was so good. nyla and treavor were about to kick classmate's ass because of her baby talk but it was still a good time.

i just got home from seeing french kicks. praise jesus the guilt from not writing my paper didn't last too long because it was fucking beautiful!!! i couldn't find anyone who wanted to go with me so i stood there like a single matchstick with a red light shining on my head and had a grand time. they were beyond anything i had hoped for. right before they came on the fire marshall walked in a said if forty (40) people didn't leave he would cancel the show. i stood there thinking about self sacrifice and how i missed them last time they were in town and then decided if someone didn't leave i was going to drag forty (40) people out by their pubes because i wasn't moving. people left with little threat and i was happy.

ok, has anyone else seen the reuters photo of the british soldiers showering together outside in basra? it was in the newpaper today and now it is on the wall in my office. so fucking hot!

2003-04-06T12:57:00.000-05:00

had someone cover my shift at work because i have too much devoirs to spend half the day bagging other people's shit. now i just have to get out of here to do some. treavor is coming over so i can go look for a new pair of glasses. i think i might start wearing them again - if i can find a pair i don't totally hate after a week. then we will eat and then i must write fantastic things that will sing to all those within earshot. sigh.

i got a team-member of the whatever you're swell spirit award which was actually pretty cool cause i got (10) ten dollars that i spent on lunch.

i went to a birthday party on friday night. friends of co-workers stuff. wasn't the oldest person there thank the jesus. it was at one the the second (2nd) story bowling alleys that proliferate this city that i have never understood. anyhow....all the girls were dressed as punk rock faries with dog collars, tutus and wings. why am i here? the whole place was filled with really hot straight guys - except for one chump boy smoking a cigar - he was hot and attainable. the guy out with his buddies. that has a hard time not looking over at me. at first i thought it was the who are these fags look but he kept glancing over. yeah, everyone twists at the waist and looks behind them when they drink beer.

i wanted to drag him out to a lane, beat him with a bowling pin, and fuck the hell out of him.

i'm a jackass sometimes.

2003-03-28T22:01:00.000-06:00

what is it exactly that makes some people think they can get away with treating me like a little puppy? not puppy - i can get away with anything because i am so damn cute but puppy - i'm tied outside and have another owner but you think it's perfectly ok to squeeze and pet and kidnap me.

after work today all i wanted was to rent porn. i have been stuck with free internet porn for so long because of money and time constraints. now that i have a bit of free time i thought i'd indulge. i went into the local video store and said hello to mr. proprietor, a bear of a man that's friendly and always chats with me. blah, blah, weather, school, blah. then he fires flare number one (1), "i've gone into your work twice (2x) looking for you but you're never there," the sky glows as i try to digest the fact that this man's friendliness is meant to be extra. "yeah, well, i only work weekends..." i turn to go to the porn section in the back but he keeps talking. i spin around, smile and answer to question. spin around again heading for porn and he keeps talking. so uncomfortable. after a few minutes he winks and says he'll talk to me after i'va had a chance to look around.

yeah. big scary porn. i've never bought into the whole shame! hush! hush! deal about porn but after talking to him i was so self-conscious about what i was going to rent. no. i can't rent torn asses gangbang i can't stand to see his face when he looks at the title. so, i rent some dumb brock loves adam bullshit that is nothing but two (2) guys running around naked, playing tag, and wrestling in the surf to bette midler. le gross.

i stand there surrounded by other guys renting and some acting a bit creepy when he comes around the corner and hugs me from behind. my fight or flight mechanism is usually to play possum. so i froze up praying he would get the fuck off me. this shit happens all the time. once while working at a coffeeshop years ago a middle-aged pizza waitress with lots of makeup and black leggings pulled me over the counter by the neck so she could kiss me up and down my face, tell me how cute i was and that i needed to "come in and get some pizza."

back to today, i get to the counter he repeats all the questions he's already asked me. then with a smirk he askes when he'll get to see me again. i told him, "i have to return these movies, don't i?" and walked out.

why does this happen to me and if it has to, why can't they be hot?

2003-03-28T00:45:00.000-06:00

this week we had the raffle for the travel grants. these grants are given to about twenty (20) students to travel wherever they like during the summer and when they get back all they have to do is write one (1) page about what they did. i was so convinced that i was going to get one. our school isn't that big and not everyone enters. so i stood there in the ballroom and waited with the rest of the school and the fuckers didn't pick me. i tried to be a good ol' sport about the whole thing and smiled when someone was selected and got a big smoocheroo from the lady giving out her dough. though as soon as i walked out onto michigan avenue, back to class i bitched and cranked it up.

poop. poor me.

2003-03-27T00:06:00.000-06:00

i've been up forever and am very tired. today i had two (2) presentations. they both went well but i am tres, tres beat. one was in the daley center. which is considered the finest modern american skyscraper - yes more than the seagrams building but for different reasons. anyway. it was for preservation law and we were practicing how to be an expert witness. the interior of the structure is so incredible - simple, direct, pristine, and beautiful.

the professor is a lawyer who is one of those that gets very upset when students aren' t prepared for his class and freely humilates those who don't. tonight a group wasn't and he was pissed. worse was when one of the group refused to take it and run. she argued with him and said more that just made him mad.it was so hard to be there. i thought i was going to throw up. i stared at my feet while a classmate dug her nails in my arm in total disbelief what she was hearing. later at the bar we gossiped like crazy about how dumb they were to do that.

actually at the first presentation i accidently flashed full-on gay porn on the screen before my presentation and in the middle of someone else's. so fucking embarrassing. while my laptop was connected to the projectore i went into my trash to look for a .jpg. the .jpg was nestled in the middle of naked guys that flashed ont he screen. it was in slow motion as i ran my finger over the mousepad trying to close the window. it happend fast enough for people to question what they saw and slow enough to be called porn king for the rest of the day. our professor in the class is old enough he tends not to register most information. praise jesus!

the bar was selected by another student that "picked a dump and decided to slum it because we are all poor" and he isn't. it was totally insulting the way he put it.

at the bar i told the most boring stories and was so unentertaining. it made me mad. i just couldn't come up with anything good to say. not like it was a contest, just that everything i said fell flat. i listened instead.

2003-03-24T22:27:00.000-06:00

this woman came into work this weekend and while i bagged her groceries her kids were playing with the ice cooler in the front of the store. this was just some average midwestern woman doing her weekend shopping - until she saw what her kinds were doing...

"children! children! does that not strike you as dangerous?"
the kids shrug their shoulders, "no." they reply.
"well it ought! you musn't. you may not do that. you may not!"

i turned around to look at her expecting to see anne fucking boleyn teleported from the renaissance fair to whole foods. but it was still her shaking her head at her pesky offspring.

those kids are so going to turn to drugs the first chance they get.

2003-03-24T22:19:00.000-06:00

i should be writing a paper. i'm not.

treavor and i ran down to the protest thursday. we saw everyone blocking lakeshore drive so we hopped in a cab and ran down to watch but not to join in because i'm a pussy and i didn't want to get arrested. not again. it was amazing. hundreds of cops drove up at the same time and created a policeman wall that stretched across four lanes of traffic. people were yelling and screaming and beating drums. everything was shut down. nobody was prepared for the nearly ten fucking thousand people - which is huge for apathetic middle america chicago. people on the street were arguing with each other about the war. some old lady with curlers in her hair came down from her condo and started screaming that the protesters were going to ruin the roses on the median. people were harassing the protesters about what an inconvenience they were causing. it made me so angry. for or against the war, this kind of protest that fucks everything up and makes people stop and think why it's happening is what makes america the place it is. nobody wants their routine messed up. they think, have a war as long as it's far away and has nothing to do with me.

treavor and i had to run around the barricades to follow the protest which ended up at chicago ave. and michigan. they were non-stop and they are all incredible people. i watched as they backed up the huge buses and one by one arrested everyone. hitting people in the face with their clubs when they were only holding a sign. knocking people to the ground. cops suck. every fucking one of them. i found out that the most unassuming girl in my class was one of the people that got arrested. i sent her a thank you card.

the oscars were dumb and if someone doesn't give julianne moore a mother fucking oscar there's gonna be hell to pay!

2003-03-19T23:49:00.000-06:00

i think i am moving in with nyla in june and i think classmate is going to take over my lease. yay. please let this happen because i will save money and have a much better apartment.

i talked to patty tonight. he is going through one of his mini-crises again. quiet, tiny, patty. not happy with the way life is going. he sits and lets the wheels spin a calculate a new direction. i really need to go visit him as soon as i have some extra money.

talking to my parents has become so frustrating. i never know what to and not to say. now they only correspond through email. writing nasty letters to one another that just get forwarded to me. blah. i asked my dad for rent money. i told him how much rent was and i would be happy with as much as he could give me. he kept trying to get me to say exactly how much i wanted. i kept telling him whatever he was comfortable with. i guess he saw this as being a pussy because he got mad and told me i need to be straightforward and ask for whatt i need. is this confusing to you? because it sure the hell is to me. i tried to tell my dad about a paper i am writing concerning the preservation of shipwrecks and maritime law. "what does that have to do with you?" he asks. i explain that preservation isn't just about architecture and that it also includes landscapes, natural enviroments, shipwrecks, and other archeological sites. "oh." i get back. hey dad. you like boats and i'm writing a paper on preserving broken ones. i am trying to reach out here. get the picture? i guess not. dads are weird.